By Dr. Rachel Greenberg
You want to find the right partner to mate with – have you considered how a mindful approach might help you on your quest? Mindful mating is the end goal, but in order to get to the mating part of the equation, you’ve got to start with the dating.
This is the part of the formula where you’re tasked with truly assessing a potential suitor’s viability as a long-term option. If you’re not careful, or mindful, or sober enough, you can fall into traps of thinking men who are actually unavailable to you are worth your time and energy. This can have terribly unpleasant consequences, leading you to a perpetual loop of unsatisfying dating endeavors with men that leads nowhere. And, in the meantime, you’ll find yourself an anxious wreck, perseverating endlessly about what’s gone wrong, where he is, why he’s not choosing you, and what you could have/should have/will make sure to do differently. All potentially over a man who is just so in actuality not worth it!
It seems like a dilemma. BUT, you have the power to make this different for yourself. I’m going to share with you how to get what you want in dating, and ultimately find your person: the person who is meant for you, right for you and healthy for you.
It’s important you show up as clear-headed as possible when you’re putting yourself out there in the dating game. Not only because do you want to let yourself be seen and shine for the true gloriously bad-ass and lovely goddess that you are, but you need to make sure that HE’S worth your time, energy, and willingness to make space in your life for. So, a mindful approach is not only indicated but entirely necessary if you’re serious about finding your long-term life’s partner.
As a starting point, here are the Top Tips for How to Mindfully Date to Find Your Mate
Mindful Dating Tip #1:
Schedule your initial few dates to be brief, no longer than 90 minutes. Why? Because it’s just the right amount of time to determine if you want more. If you do, you’ll both leave each other intrigued enough and excited for your next encounter.
You won’t have enough time to get too swept away, or drink too much, or make yourself too available. Anyway, you’re an incredibly busy lady with a lot on your plate and, yes, you’re open and interested in finding your mate, but you’re not desperate and you have a full life that you’re active in. So, stay connected to that. If he’s solid enough in himself, he’ll admire and love that about you. This is your way of saying, “I’ve got my own thing going, and I want to see if you can enhance that.”
On the flip side, if the date sucks and he’s a total “Nope!”, then you’ll have an easy out.
So, plan to just grab a drink or a cup of tea. Meet early enough that it would be wacky to get too carried away with drinks (
3-6pm range). Tell him you have plans after but can meet for about an hour for a quick hello.
Mindful Dating Tip #2:
Limit alcohol use. Of course dating can be anxiety-producing and there’s a lot of excited energy around it, but you can cultivate a mindfulness practice related to all that comes up for you. Take a few deep breaths, chat with your girlfriends before you head out, remind yourself that you’re a total prize and there’s nothing to be nervous about. Say quietly in your mind, “Just be yourself. You’re outstanding and beautiful and kind. Just show up authentically; you cannot go wrong.”
Alcohol unnecessarily complicates the process, and it can have a major unintended impact. It can lead you to thinking he’s better, cuter, or more available than he is. It can render you more likely to have sex with him before it’s emotionally safe to. Alcohol muddies the waters, and you want bright, blue, clear water as you navigate this terrain.
You can, of course, have A GLASS of wine. One and done, ladies. One glass and then you’ve got to go. If he wants to see you again and he’s emotionally mature and available to pursue you the way you’re deserving of, he’ll reach out for more.
Mindful Dating Tip #3:
Show up authentically. Ready for what this entails? Just. Be. Yourself. You don’t have to worry about saying the wrong thing, or asking too many questions, how cute you look in your jumper, or whether or not your liquid lipstick is still on.
Just show up honestly, look him in the eyes, express genuine interest in who he is and what he has to share with you, and give yourself space to share who you are with him too. If there’s a connection, you want it to be the result of your ability to show up authentically as who you are. This doesn’t mean unload and expose every deep and dark crevice of your soul (that will come a bit later): it can stay light and still be authentic. Trust yourself that you’re worthy of him. It’s more a question of whether or not he is worthy of you.
If you’re interested in learning more Mindful Dating tips and strategies for finding the right partner and relationship for you, reach out for personal coaching/therapy from me. @dr.rachellalan on Instagram, or drrlgreenberg@gmail
And keep your eyes peeled for more on my Mindful Dating Blog Series.
I also work to support women and men who are already in committed partnerships and working to enhance communication, get support through break-up process, or obtain clarity about whether or not to stay in the relationship. I’m also LGBTQ inclusive and happily supportive of relationships that fall on any level of the spectrum of monogamy to polyamory.
