by Dr. Rachel Greenberg
All my single ladies who are active in their dating search are looking for that person who they can be with in a healthy, reciprocal, intimate and secure relationship. Relationship goals!
In my work with so many women, I find lovely ladies struggling with their own anxieties, fears, and diminished sense of self-worth. I regularly support women in taking a step back and critically reflecting first on the relationship they have with themselves, and how anxiety-ridden, loving, intimate, and secure that is.
Often, too, we look at what earlier stuff in their lives they’ve been influenced by that still require healing. Our deepest wounds can be triggered in romantic love, and so often it is there that we go to try to get the wound bandaged. Old wounds die hard if we don’t call them out for what they are, and work to nurture the parts of ourselves that need some tender care. Until you do that work, you may find yourself in a depressed or hopeless place, sleeplessly perseverating on why. I help women find themselves and build strong, respectful, and compassionate relationships to themselves. In this process, anxiety is reduced, regulation is enhanced, and confidence is livened.
Below is anoverview of what composes A Healthy Relationship to Yourself: The Top 3 Prerequisites to Dating.
Keep in mind, the following are not incremental stages but rather fluid components of a healthy relationship to self.
Self-Acceptance:
It can be SO hard to look at theparts of ourselves we don’t like or don’t want to see and to push that stuff down. It seems easier and safer to stay hidden. Alot of women fear exposing themselves to theirwounds, or feel too confused by it all that they aren’t even sure where to begin.
These are the very parts that we need to lean into. We are ALL multifaceted, with layers upon layers. We benefit when we peel them back to get to our core, because in that process the parts of ourselves that need our acceptance are less gruesome and more pliable than we feared they’d be.
We are ALL imperfect. We are ALL flawed in need of development. Always. We all have our own rough edges that need softening. This is what makes life and our experience of it rich! This leaning into the anxiety, pain, sorrow, hurt, disappointment, fear, and discomfort in ourselves is what helps us achieve peace.
You hate your stubborn belly fat? What can you do to accept that this is your body? And that accepting yourself is a gorgeous, delightful experience.
You can take control of your health by exercising, eating healthy and whole foods, eliminating foods that are highly processed, full of sugar or are going to cause inflammation. You cando core strength workouts and ab routines that help you feel less flubbery in that area. This is where your control lies and this is where acceptance meets action.
This is where you say, “Hi, body. I love you, and thank you. Stubborn stomach fat, I’m less flattered by you, AND I know you’re here and you may just be biologically harder for me to shed. So, hi, and welcome. Don’t take offense that I’m still going to work hard to try to get rid of you because that’s what I can control and it’ll feel good to me, and I’ll probably care about you less as a result. This is about me accepting myself and become empowered in who I am. Ultimately, you’re an inconsequential part of that.”
Take a minute now to think about what can you start to lean into in yourself that deserves your acceptance?
Self-Compassion:
This is a prerequisite to dating because without it, dating is going to be a whole lot more hellish than it needs to be. With it, dating will be fun, fanciful, and full of learning. Self-compassion is really just kindness and understanding in the face of mistakes, worries, and fears. It is the beginning stage of how we develop a true understanding of who you are and everything you’ve been through. This is where awareness meets context, and where you’re able to synthesize the experiences you’ve had into lessons that will allow you to move on to the next phase. This component lives on always, is ever-growing, and required for consistency of a healthy self. A healthy self is a total prerequisite for dating.
This is where that self-defeating, demeaning and critical voice kicks in. You know that voice. The one that says “UGH! Why do I struggle to say no in my relationships?” or “There’s zero chance you can do this because you’re just not good enough!” or “Your life is too stressful to find a man, who’d want you with all that you have going on?” or “You totally fucked that up!” This is when self-compassion speaks up and says, “Oh, sweetheart. You’re hurting so much right now. It makes sense given what you’ve been through. It’s been so hard on you. I totally get that.” OR “Oh, there’s that fear kicking in. You’ve operated from fear for a long time because it was never safe for you growing up, and you’ve learned to protect yourself through anger. You know that anger served you SO WELL back then! It’s amazing how you figured that out! But you also know now it’s getting in the way. So let’s offer it some acknowledgment and kindness and ask it to relax a bit for now.”
You may have to really practice this voice, especially if it’s not one you’ve heard before. How can you start to practice self-compassion today? What’s that voice sound like?
Self-Admiration:
This is where things get fun. This is, perhaps, the most enjoyable prerequisite to dating and where the healthy relationship you have with yourself shines. This is where you give yourself a total hug, a cool head nod, a warm, gentle, and deep acknowledgement that you are amazing. This is the part in your relationship with yourself when you say, “Girl! You rock. You’ve worked so hard in your life, and you’ve come a long way. You’ve managed to accept yourself, flaws and all, and you’ve learned how to be nice and kind to the parts of you that still need to grow. You go, lady. You go.” Self-admiration is a place you’ll come to in yourself that is trusting and knows how worthy you are. This is a prerequisite to dating because it means you won’t let anyone in who isn’t going to also give you that type of admiration and those types of props. You deserve to be celebrated for all that you are, and if that party doesn’t start with you, you’re going to perpetually settle for men who struggle to offer it to you too. And that’s going to feel crappy.
I want to invite you to practice this for a moment. Bring to mind someone who you look up to, have reverence for, who you trust and think is just a total bad-ass lady. What do you most admire about this person? What are the characteristics she possesses that you hold in high esteem? Do you respect her because she has never struggled? Or is it precisely the fact that she’s struggled and overcome, continued on, and taken healthy strides that you regard most highly? Whatever the circumstances are that contribute to your admiration for this person, detail them now in your mind.
Now, take as long to think about what you admire in yourself as you are now.
Think about what you would need to cultivate to strengthen that.
Consider how if this is lacking in yourself, it may be getting in the way of your dating and love life. If it is, in what ways specifically? And, how might you approach changing this?
Your relationship with yourself is where the work starts. Self-acceptance, self-compassion, and self-admiration are the 3 top prerequisites to dating because they set you up for success. It’s a declaration! And you can offer it to yourself and those you date.
