By Dr. Rachel Greenberg

Healthy boundaries are essential for the enjoyment and sustainability of romantic relationships.  I work so often with people who have either too firm or too loose boundaries and experience frustrating and confusing consequences. It doesn’t have to be this way! You can find a way to honor both yourself and the person you’re involved with and you’ll both be happier in the relationship as a result.

Healthy boundaries, the sweet spot and space we create between ourselves and our partner, gives us a strengthened sense of self-worth and safety.  They also help elicit reciprocity, which we all need, deserve, and are capable of having.  Healthy boundaries come to life when we use effective communication in our romantic relationships.  The good news is that if you struggle with asserting your needs in your romantic life, you can learn!

Healthy boundaries are essentially limits we all have and need to assert with others.  It’s saying, “Here’s where my limit is when it comes to this. I need you to know, respect, and respond to that.” 

Unhealthy boundaries can be too loose:

If the boundaries in your relationship are too loose it may mean that your partner calls all the shots, and that you say “yes” to things you don’t really want to or have time for.  It may mean you abandon your own sense of self and nourishment to appease your partner out of fear of conflict or self-doubt, or because you never learned what limits in relationships were, or you may worry that your partner will leave if you say “no.”  The problem here is that the more you sacrifice yourself in your relationship, themore resentful you become.  The more liable you are to be taken advantage of or exploited, and the worse you’ll feel about who you are and what you’re worthy of.  Martyrdom doesn’t work. It ultimately creates dissatisfaction and an experience of being victimized by your own inability to assert your limits. 

Unhealthy boundaries can be too firm:

When boundaries are too firm, it may mean that you say “no” too often or don’t acquiesce enough to your partners needs. You may express indignant righteousness and struggle to meet your partner in a place of compromise. Rigidity is the name of the game here, and it can render you both deeply frustrated, finding yourself stalled, in a constant state of impasse. You may find yourself aggressive in how you approach boundaries, taking the kind of “my way or the highway” stance; an approach that unless you’re dealing with your 2 year old is never going to be effective in any relationship, let alone with someone you’re romantically intimate with.

Healthy boundaries are balanced, accepted, respected, and welcomed:

The balance between “yes” and “no” is the give and take required in partnership, the willingness to say “no” when you need to prioritize yourself, and the willingness to say “yes” when you need to prioritize your partner. If you are teetering too far on either side of this spectrum, the relationship will have notable challenges. Finding the middle ground is essential.  

Stay tuned for Part II for how to learn what assertive communication is and how it can help you build healthy boundaries in your relationships. 

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