By Dr. Rachel
♥ It feels good to assert your worth in this way:
One of the top reasons you want to use assertive communication in your relationship is because it’s the clear and direct way you can declare your sense of worth.
It feels good to value and cherish ourselves enough to be able to ask for what we need, express how we feel, and say clearly what our boundaries and limits are. It’s loving and reasonable.
By saying in a direct and respectful way what our experience is, we’re communicating that we know we should be heard and considered. There’s no denying when we show up for ourselves in that way, it feels good. We’re looking out for ourselves, and people respond to that because they’re looking out for us too, and they want to see that we’re solid in who we are. Assertively communicating ourselves is an expression of this.
♥It helps get your needs met:
Often times others won’t know or consider what we most need without us telling them. It’s important that we’re willing to say out loud, explicitly and clearly how we can feel healthiest and most supported in the relationship.
Your needs will likely look differently than your boyfriend’s, your mom’s, or your co-worker’s, and so people need to hear from you what they can do to best show up to meet you where you are; where you need them to. This may mean that for you, your boundary is setting the limit that you won’t stay at your parent’s house when you visit home because it’s not a healthy environment for you beyond a few hours. Whatever it is, it can and should be communicated so you can trust that your trip home will be what you need it to be to feel safe and enriched by the experience.
♥Balance in communication is effective:
The truth is, it just works. When we communicate assertively we’re striking the balance between passivity and aggression, neither of which are useful, both of which have terrible consequences.
Assertive communication is balanced in that it is composed of the things that make communication fruitful. Assertive communication doesn’t guarantee our needs will be met, but it certainly increases the chances.
Think of the acronym HARD. Assertive communication is Honest, Appropriate, Respectful, and Direct.
When we communicate passively we may be communicating appropriately and respectfully, but not honestly or directly. Aggressive communication tends to be honest and direct, but not appropriate and respectful. Neither work.
When’s the last time you were indirect and dishonest, and felt like you were satisfied in the relationship? Or, when’s the last time you were disrespectful and inappropriate and found that the person responded well to what you were trying to impart?
It just doesn’t work.
People get defensive when we communicate from an aggressive place. Their stress response kicks in and their nervous system says, “Protect yourself from this threat! It’s an attack!” And because passive communication never actually says what’s really happening, the other person never knows and thinks everything’s fine the way it’s going.
If you want to feel happy, seen and known in your relationships, you have to find that balance in how you speak up loud enough to be heard but not so loud that you scare others away.
If you’re interested in learning more about assertive communication and how to get your needs met in relationships, let me know by signing up for my newsletter! ♥ Join the community of strong, empowered women working hard to find balance, safety in vulnerability, reciprocity in relationships, and time for self-care!
