Safety in relationships is a fundamental condition for its health. It creates the bedrock for trust and, from there, vulnerability. Without it, our relationships will feel unstable, scary, and stifling.

Relational safety helps provide us with emotional security. It lets us know that it’s okay to be who we are fully when we’re with each other. That we are free to express ourselves in pure form without fear.  Understanding and acceptance are required when we share with one another.

It’s true that in relationships with each other we’re responsible for our own emotions. We take responsibility for our triggers and do what we need to be happy and whole independent of anyone else. AND, we also need relationships. As humans, we’re creatures who function in community. We thrive when we experience love with one another.

Safety is an implicit part of how we connect. Establishing and maintaining safety is critical for the health of any relationship, especially when there’s conflict. 

At baseline, we create safety together by:

1. Listening without imposing judgments. We need to be genuinely heard by each other. 
2. Validating, even if we disagree. 
3. Saying when we’re wrong.
4. Giving space to express ourselves fully.
5. Trusting that when we share vulnerability, it will always be held sacred. We know it will never be used against us in anger.
6. Communicating consciously. We take the time it takes to be thoughtful about our words.
7. Eliminating spite, resentment, impatience, and criticism. We really meet each other where we are with kindness. 
8. Using “I’ statements and share our own experiences, instead of imposing blame.

We have to take risks in relationships to determine the level of safety. We have to be aware that just because relationships in the past may not have been safe, it doesn’t mean all current and future relationships won’t be too. 

We also need to know that there’s a formula. A way of being that we can practice to foster more safety in ourselves and with those we most love and care about. It will require you to understand for yourself when and how you feel most safe. Once you know what those conditions are, you’ll offer them to others you’re in relationship with, and you’ll expect the same in return.

Ask yourself: What makes me feel the most safe to be my true, full self in relationship? What conditions do I require to share my truth with another? How can I embody that for them too?

Once safety is certain, notice how free it feels to share and express. When we’re safe with each other, we’re able to let down every guard we’ve had to build up to protect ourselves. We’re loose, soft, comfortable and cozy. We feel good when we can share openly and authentically.